the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
