Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
God, I missed his penis.
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