So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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