I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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