I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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