Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
