the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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