drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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