Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
