Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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