The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize