I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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