In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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