We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
