Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
