took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
