The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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