matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
