In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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