god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
