i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
