You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
