I think i peed on brittanys purse
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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