I could make wine with my vomit
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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