Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
