i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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