I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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