well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize