girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
