I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was born a porn star she said
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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