shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
