I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
