Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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