I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize