this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
