Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
