I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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