Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize