It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
