She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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