Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
