i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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