Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
