I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
