Can i not drive my cunt home
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
