I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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