The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
