They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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