i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My dad is sitting where you rode me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
