Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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