look no pants
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
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