I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
