Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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