The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
