I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
