she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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