im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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