i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
